


Who Would Have Thought?

by eyemoji, shouldiwritemoreoften



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Almost-catastrophes, Fake DSSPPM tips, First days on the Hephaestus, Fluff, Gen, Mad scientist is mad, Script Format, W359RBB, writing by shouldiwritemoreoften; art by eyemoji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-02 15:00:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14547279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyemoji/pseuds/eyemoji, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shouldiwritemoreoften/pseuds/shouldiwritemoreoften
Summary: This fic is set between Cataracts and Hurricanoes (Episode 4) and Cigarette Candy (Episode 5), and features an excess of frantic beeping, as many pop culture references as I could think of (sadly, not very many), and a very mysterious gas..."Pryce and Carter 954: Check twice. Then check again. Have you checked properly? Are you certain? Why don't you make sure? It's only your life on the line…"





	Who Would Have Thought?

**Author's Note:**

> I love eyemoji (tumblr: [@conciliart](https://conciliart.tumblr.com))'s art _so much!!!_
> 
> sorry if the formatting seems a bit weird - please don't 'Hide Creator's Style' (it's what makes it look like a proper script)! thanks!

WOLF 359

"WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?"

ART by

_eyemoji_

SCRIPT by

_shouldiwritemoreoften_

For the

WOLF 359 REVERSE BIG BANG 2018

This fic takes placed after the events of Cataracts and Hurricanoes (Episode 4), and before Cigarette Candy (Episode 5).

* * *

**INT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION - COMMUNICATIONS ROOM - 0600 HOURS**

 

 

 

 

RECORDING STARTS.

EIFFEL

This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel, speaking to you once more from the squalor and dark of the Comms Room. You join us on day…

He pauses for a moment, and we hear the rustling of paper being thumbed through.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

…You join us on day four-hundred and eighty-five on this tin can. Only two-hundred and forty-five days until -

He raises his voice pointedly.

\- no one will be telling us what we can't do anymore.

He SIGHS dramatically, and his voice returns to normal volume.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

The Commander has harshly and unfairly denied my request that I might be allowed to venture once again into the great unknown that is The Outside.

FADE IN background music: _Pluto: The Renewer_ , which plays under EIFFEL's dialogue.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

Although I was at first told, dear listeners, that there were numerous reasons against such an escapade, our wise Commander's words - sans copious quoting of Pryce and Carter

He makes a DISGUSTED SOUND.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

\- can be summarised with the following:

He CLEARS HIS THROAT. Quoted speech is said imitating MINKOWSKI, perhaps layered over sections of her actual speech.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

'Eiffel is an irresponsible member of my crew - perhaps the most irresponsible. Whilst I often threaten him with death or other such severe punishments (for example, having to participate in the insane Dr. Hilbert's cruel and unusual biannual physical and wellness checks), I will not allow him to undertake this which he has specifically requested. The main reason for this is the amount of paperwork this would require me to fill out, and the amount of trouble this could give to our generous sponsors, Goddard Futuristics. Additionally, his demise could reflect poorly on my leadership, which I pride above all else.'

Back to just his own voice, though now a bit faster than usual, and slightly higher pitched.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

Um, she also might have mentioned that certain… incidents a couple of days ago might have made her more cautious about my 'sense of wellbeing' or something like that - but I'm sure she was just kidding. Who cares, right?

BEAT. He LAUGHS awkwardly, and we hear it ECHO around the room.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

And she might have said that my shoulder wasn't completely healed yet and that I should stay on bed rest for one more day - but she was totally joking there. Maybe.

BEAT. Now speech is at back to normal speed and pitch.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

I'm so totally authorised to be here right now - I mean, can you even hear Minkowski yelling at me? N-

HERA

Officer Eiffel? Would now be a good time to remind you that your feet are resting on the Comms Room's Do Not Disturb button?

EIFFEL

Oh.

We hear a SHUFFLING noise. A high-pitched BEEP sounds (indicating the Do Not Disturb signal has been switched off).

HERA

Commander Minkowski has been trying to reach you for a while now.

BUZZER.

HERA (CONT'D)

(whispered)

Good luck.

STATIC. (Intercom is switched ON.)

EIFFEL

No. No! Hera? How long, exactly, has she been trying to buzz us? How long? Hera -

End of STATIC.

MINKOWSKI

(voice drier than vacuum packed coffee grinds)

A very long time. Time which could otherwise have been spent much more productively.

When EIFFEL replies, he sounds terrified.

EIFFEL

Oh, um, hey Commander! Uh - I was just telling Hera how I had just stopped by here on my way back to the Medical Bay, where I was planning on - um - completing that very important task you had assigned me; one which I was determined to fulfill to my utmost capability as part of this crew, which - have I told you, Commander, how much I value being part of your crew? In fact, you are an inspir -

MINKOWSKI

(exasperated)

Hera? Can you… confirm Officer Eiffel's account?

BEAT. HERA SIGHS.

HERA

I - I cannot. Commander.

MINKOWSKI

No? I'm shocked. Completely. Utterly surprised. Totally -

EIFFEL

(hurriedly)

\- What were you trying to reach us for, Commander? Other than to

We hear a single PIANO chord.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

(singing - badly)

rain on my parade?

Another PIANO chord starts to play, but then we hear a CLICK, and it gets cut off.

MINKOWSKI

You're being ridiculous, Officer. If you would just listen for a moment - no, I shouldn't expect so much from you. Just try to direct an ounce of your concentration towards this - that would be a step in the right direction, at least.

EIFFEL

Hey!

MINKOWSKI continues, ignoring EIFFEL completely.

MINKOWSKI

Past experience proves that much.

As I was saying, I was trying to reach you for a repair - the satellite aerial is loose, and it - unfortunately - requires two sets of hands.

RECORDING STOPS.

* * *

**INT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION - AIRLOCK ONE - 0700 HOURS**

RECORDING STARTS.

EIFFEL

(grumbling)

I can't believe this stupid aerial takes both of us to fix.

I'm sure it couldn't be that much harder with just you, Commander.

Hera; opinion?

HERA SIGHS.

HERA

Only, Officer Eiffel, in the sense that Commander Minkowski would not be asking for your help again.

EIFFEL

Oh?

HERA

No; the Commander's oxygen would likely be depleted less than half was through the aerial replacement, almost certainly leading to suffocation.

This would leave you in charge of a ship with, coincidentally, no way of communicating with Earth.

But if it's too much trouble, Officer Eiffel…

EIFFEL GULPS loudly.

HERA (CONT'D)

(pleasantly)

It's a good thing such a catastrophe is not going to happen, isn't it, Officer Eiffel?

EIFFEL

(high-pitched, nervous)

Yup.

We hear the HISS of the airlock opening.

EIFFEL starts HUMMING (something outright laughable - maybe _Let's Get Down to Business?_ ), only to be cut off mere seconds later by:

MINKOWSKI

Eiffel. Stop.

He STOPS.

MINKOWSKI (CONT'D)

Have you checked your tether? We don't want another incident, do we?

Remember Pryce and Carter?

EIFFEL

I think we can safely assume the answer to that is always no. And last time didn't go too badly - and my shoulder was fine after a couple of hours.

BEAT.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

Days.

MINKOWSKI SIGHS despairingly.

MINKOWSKI

_"Pryce and Carter 954: Check twice. Then check again. Have you checked properly? Are you certain? Why don't you make sure? It's only your life on the line…"_

EIFFEL

That seems slightly… darker than usual. Even slightly, dare I say it, helpful…

He starts speaking in a hushed whisper.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

Dear Listeners; it's the question of the day:

Have Pryce and Carter finally graced us with some actual advice \- as opposed, of course, to their customary meaningless gibberish?

MINKOWSKI

(overly protective of her precious manual)

Eiffel! Pryce and Carter dema-

HERA

Is is really worth it, Commander?

RECORDING STOPS.

* * *

**EXT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION - 0900 HOURS**

RECORDING STARTS. Audio quality is more CRACKLY here, outside the station, than inside.

EIFFEL

You know, I did have actual plans for today, Commander.

We hear muffled HAMMERING. A PAUSE.

MINKOWSKI

Oh yeah?

More HAMMERING. A CLICK as something slots into place.

MINKOWSKI (CONT'D)

What exactly, Officer Eiffel, had you planned to accomplish today, of all days?

EIFFEL

Well -

MINKOWSKI INTERRUPTS him exasperatedly. We can hear a reluctant SMILE in her voice.

MINKOWSKI (CONT'D)

Asides from , of course, rewatching Home Alone 2 yet again in the Comms Room.

HERA

We can all hear it.

MINKOWSKI

The sheer amount of times you've watched it this week is unhealthy -

HERA

(continuing from MINKOWSKI)

\- let alone how often you've watched it in total!

EIFFEL

Hey! You can't both gang up on me - it's not fair - and I do work when it's on, you know.

(dramatically)

I feel distinctly underappreciated.

MINKOWSKI

(carefully)

Since we're on the topic of your work… have you done tried to do anything about this awful static?

EIFFEL

For the last time; there's nothing wrong with them!

As he is SPEAKING, the STATIC increases in volume until we can't hear him. We hear LOUD TAPPING, presumably on an earpiece. The STATIC FADES slowly down to background noise again.

EIFFEL sounds mildly SHEEPISH.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

It's not so bad?

HERA

Actually, the electronic integrity of the system is almost irreparably damaged, Officer Eiffel. Soon it will be rendered completely unsalvageable.

EIFFEL

 _None_ of the good films have perfect - or even fully- _functional_ \- comms!

We hear the sound of a WRENCH being used.

MINKOWSKI

I fail to see how that is relevant.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

Think _Space Odyssey_ ; think _Star Wars_! Besides - it really just makes it more authentic! Hera; back me up here?

HERA

(resigned)

Officer Eiffel indeed has reassured me that both of these films manage to both simultaneously be 'literally the best thing he's seen with his own two eyes.'

Once again, EIFFEL's voice is layered over the end of HERA's sentence, with pronouns replaced in first person.

MINKOWSKI

(sarcastic)

Well, that seems like a perfectly valid reason to continue using our - what was it, Hera? - ah yes - almost 'completely unsalvageable' comms system.

EIFFEL

Really?

MINKOWSKI

No.

PAUSE. EIFFEL COUGHS.

EIFFEL

(plaintive)

But the films -

MINKOWSKI cuts him off shortly.

MINKOWSKI

I expect the system to be fully operational by oh-eight-hundred hours tomorrow, Eiffel. If not… there will be repercussions.

EIFFEL

Do you know how long they'll take to fix, Commander? Out of all of us, who do you think is best qualified to know how long the repairs will take? Doesn't it seem presumptuous to assume that it's even possible to have them finished so quickly?

HERA

The repairs to your communications system will take you, at most, little over one hour. That is, little over one hour without distractions, Officer Eiffel. Or interruptions to, say, smoke one of your remaining cigarettes - which, might I remind you, are no less of a hazard (and an illicit one at that) that when you almost ignited one of the oxygen canisters in the first week here.

EIFFEL

'Almost' being the operative word.

HERA clears her throat.

HERA

Officer Eiffel -

EIFFEL

Right, right; sorry Hera. Won't happen again.

(under his breath)

Hopefully.

MINKOWSKI

And -

EIFFEL

\- And I'll do the repairs as soon as we get back inside, Commander. Right after a quick showing of our favourite movie -

HERA and MINKOWSKI

(in UNISON)

No.

EIFFEL

Fine!

PAUSE. We hear EIFFEL inhale quickly.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

Not even if -

HERA and MINKOWSKI

(in UNISON)

No.

There is a short PAUSE.

EIFFEL

Are you su-

We hear an incessant beeping start. We will become very familiar with it. MINKOWSKI SIGHS loudly.

MINKOWSKI

Eiffel? What did you do?

EIFFEL

Nothing. Nothing! I swear I hadn't touched anything!

MINKOWSKI

Oh, so you haven't been helping with repairs? Typic-

HERA

If we could all just calm down for a minute, please.

We hear MINKOWSKI take a slow, purposeful breath in.

MINKOWSKI

(faux-pleasantly)

What seems to be the problem, Hera?

Can you detect, perhaps, whether our Communications Officer has meddled with something not meant to be meddled with?

MINKOWSKI's last sentence sounds very POINTED, and we hear an indignant sound from EIFFEL.

EIFFEL

I said I didn't do anything! Why is that so hard to believe?

MINKOWSKI

Do you want a list? I believe I have one in my report detailing the last time this happened. A time when, might I remind you, you were the cause of the problem.

EIFFEL

Hey! Firstly, not this again, and secondly, I still think someone should have thought to at least label the buttons that open the airlocks! Maybe with a big red 'WARNING' sticker perhaps accompanied with a 'Don't press if you wish to ever again see the light of day' sign. Thirdly -

HERA once again INTERRUPTS him.

HERA

Stop. You're wasting your breath - you are literally using up your limited supply of oxygen on this… pointless argument.

EIFFEL

She started it!

MINKOWSKI

Actually, I think we all know who is to blame for this. As usual.

EIFFEL and MINKOWSKI start talking over each other, gradually rising in volume until the BEEPING starts again, also increasing in volume.

HERA

Uh - guys? Just an oxygen reminder…

A CLICK, presumably as HERA checks the oxygen saturation levels.

HERA (CONT'D)

…You're both down to under 50 per cent remaining. That gives you roughly another hour, give or take ten or so minutes. That should be enough time.

EIFFEL and MINKOWSKI both stop talking at the same time, but the BEEPING continues.

MINKOWSKI

Can you be more precise? That's quite a large range to go on…

When HERA replies, it is with more than a trace of barely concealed attitude.

HERA

Well, Commander, I can't - for obvious reasons - account for how much oxygen will be wasted in… conversation, nor can I predict how much longer the repair will take you.

PAUSE. Another set of BEEPING joins the first.

HERA (CONT'D)

Also, you really should be working together to solve whatever that is. You know - potentially life-threatening situation and all that? Commander; Pryce and Carter -

MINKOWSKI eagerly continues Hera's sentence, and the latter lapses back into silence.

MINKOWSKI

Pryce and Carter 429 - yes, I think we all know that one, at least.

There is a PAUSE for a few seconds. The BEEPING has been reduced to a background noise for the moment.

MINKOWSKI

(slowly)

Eiffel?

Another PAUSE. When EIFFEL finally responds, it is just as slow as MINKOWSKI, almost comically so.

EIFFEL

So I might not be completely sure on that particular 'survival' tip. I'm sure it's just momentarily slipped my mind, though, Commander. Any second…

Yet another PAUSE, though this time noticeably longer than the previous ones.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

Uh… "Work together and all will be well?"

It seems to have momentarily slipped my mind, Commander; all those re-readings have blurred them together, you know?

MINKOWSKI

Eiffel, it would astound me if you had read Pryce and Carter even once through. No - make that half. You making it even half-way through any mandatory reading material is too much to hope for.

EIFFEL

Hey! I bet Pryce and Carter didn't have alliteration! At least mine are more memorable!

HERA

Eiffel - that was barely alliterative - and I think I agree with Minkowski on this one. The DSSPPM was required material…

EIFFEL

(trying to sound bitter - but sounding mostly just petulant)

I don't see Hilbert having to read it! He's always blowing stuff up in his lab - and most of the time not on purpose! Surely that's not recommended by the illustrious Pryce and Carter - whoever they may be.

MINKOWSKI completely ignores the majority of EIFFEL'S tirade, although it seems to remind her of their other crew member, suspiciously absent from the day's proceedings to far. She SNAPS HER FINGERS.

MINKOWSKI

Hilbert!

EIFFEL

(warily)

What about him?

MINKOWSKI begins to try and establish a comms channel to HILBERT'S LAB. We hear white noise and clattering, interspersed with bursts of louder static. Whilst this is going on, HERA patiently tries to explain what (she thinks) MINKOWSKI meant.

HERA

I imagine the Commander has concluded that Doctor Hilbert has something to do with the malfunctioning sensors in sectors J5, H2 and S8.

EIFFEL

And that's… what's causing the beeping?

HERA

Yes, Eiffel.

(now to MINKOWSKI)

Most of my resources have been diverted to assisting you out here, so I haven't been able to pinpoint the cause of the sensor disturbances.

MINKOWSKI

(annoyed - she still hasn't got through to HILBERT)

Can't you do both, Hera? I thought you were meant to be able to manage an almost infinite number of tasks at once.

BEAT. When HERA answers, her voice is polite, but it GLITCHES at _least_ twice in the albeit short reply. We remember _Memoria_ and weep.

HERA

I cannot. I apologise, Commander.

BEAT.

MINKOWSKI

(moving on to her next victim)

And Officer Eiffel - is this really what you call "nothing wrong" with the comms??? There's no chance of being connected to back to the station - we're going to have to postpone this vital repair to go attend to whatever disaster the doctor has caused, putting our safety on the line.

EIFFEL

(not prepared to change his mind in the slightest, his voice getting louder and louder)

I thought we had already established that it was "completely unsalvageable."

HERA

Almost.

BEAT.

EIFFEL

(much more calmly - he wouldn't yell at HERA)

Huh?

HERA

It's only almost unsalvageable, Officer Eiffel. I can help you fix it when you return to the station if you -

MINKOWSKI

As touching as it is to see you offer to help our seemingly sub-par Communications Officer, Hera, I'm afraid I must interrupt the moment. How are we looking for O2, Hera? Do we have enough to finish up here or are we going to run out any time soon?

HERA

Let me just… check… that, Commander…

Another to indicate HERA running a second oxygen check.

HERA (CONT'D)

I expect you have more than enough, if you aren't too distracted. The previous check left you with another half an hour, and it hasn't been that long -

We hear frantic BEEPING (more high-pitched than the warning sound that has become background noise to us now). (Could sound like a siren - alternating pitches?)

HERA (CONT'D)

(now more than slightly worried for the fragile humans and their 'biology')

Actually, scratch that - you've each got less than five minutes of oxygen left.

HERA continues more to herself than anyone else as EIFFEL panics loudly (which mostly involves a dramatic - ad libbed? - _"Our Father, who art in That Old Arcade that's probably closed down by now_ etc _..."_ ) and MINKOWSKI tries once again to buzz HILBERT (with her "Do you copy?"s becoming more and more urgent).

HERA (CONT'D)

I don't know why it's been depleted so quickly. None of this data fits with what I would have expected - it's like something diverting it from your suits…

EIFFEL finishes his version of _The Lord's Prayer_ with "Forever and ever, or until the Stormtrooper finds the droids he was looking for. Amen."

RECORDING STOPS.

* * *

**INT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION - AIRLOCK ONE - 0945 HOURS**

RECORDING STARTS.

MINKOWSKI

Well - we made it back!

We hear EIFFEL PANTING. MINKOWSKI sighs (at him, somehow).

MINKOWSKI (CONT'D)

Let's go see what the problem is, then.

EIFFEL

Just… just a second, Commander. I… just need to… catch my breath…

MINKOWSKI

(more than slightly smug)

You know, you would have had more than enough oxygen if you hadn't wasted so much on talk -

EIFFEL

And thanks to those kind words, I find myself magically recovered. Thanks for the support, Commander. Much appreciated.

RECORDING STOPS.

* * *

**INT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION - A CORRIDOR OUTSIDE HILBERT'S LAB - 1000 HOURS**

RECORDING STARTS. We can hear MINKOWSKI hammering on the door to the lab; it's locked.

MINKOWSKI

Doctor Hilbert? What's the situation in there?

EIFFEL

If he's passed out on the floor or something, he won't be able to answer you -

EIFFEL YELPS. We presume he reached out to touch the door.

EIFFEL (CONT'D)

\- and on that note, why is the door so HOT? Do you think he's blown something else up?

Whilst EIFFEL sounds more flippant, MINKOWSKI is grim, probably already expecting the worst.

MINKOWSKI

You better hope not.

She BANGS on the door for a couple more seconds, until HILBERT, WHEEZING, pulls open the door.

MINKOWSKI (CONT'D)

Doctor Hilbert. You wouldn't happen to know anything about the multiple warning signals we were receiving when we were trying to carry out a repair in space, would you? Because that would not be good.

BEAT. HILBERT WHEEZES some more, probably trying to sound more wretched than he actually is.

MINKOWSKI (CONT'D)

Well?

HILBERT

I'm afraid… Commander… that I may be slightly responsible for those minor alarms - but I can assure you that any damage caused is not permanent. In fact, I just need to air the lab - if you don't mind staying outside whilst I just -

We hear MINKOWSKI's footsteps. She enters the room, but EIFFEL hangs back.

HILBERT

(more high pitched than usual)

What - what are you doing, Commander? I thought I said to stay back. This gas is _not_ safe -

MINKOWSKI obviously thinks herself more knowledgeable about this mysterious gas than the mad scientist.

MINKOWSKI

Come on, Eiffel; let's help Doctor Hilbert clear the lab, then.

EIFFEL

Nu-uh, Commander - it's a no from me! If even Hilbert's saying it's dangerous, you couldn't pay me to go in there with you. I'll take my chances out here.

Music starts playing in the background, almost too quiet to hear. (Something spooky or ominous?)

HILBERT

(now wheezing even more)

Commander! I must advise you to step outside. This gas can seriously affect your memory - and it should be starting to take effect any time now.

MINKOWSKI still thinks she's right. Obviously.

MINKOWSKI

Nonsense. I feel fine. Come on, Eiffel - we might have time to get back out there and fix the aerial.

EIFFEL

No. Way. Utterly unsurprisingly, I didn't come all the way to space just to lose all my memories. I have no desire whatsoever to forget.

We hear a CLICK, and slight static for a few seconds. HILBERT begins a report-like recording, talking more to himself than to anyone else.

HILBERT

Patient is now beginning to suffer the effects of the gas. Symptoms will become gradually more evident until all long-term memory is lost. Previous data has not shown whether effects will be permanent or not - but we shall soon see.

MINKOWSKI

What are you doing? Symptoms? I told you - I feel… fine…

Although HILBERT answers her, he sounds distant, focused more on his recording.

HILBERT

Long-term memory is sometimes hard to distinguish from short-term. Tell me, Commander, what is Pryce and Carter 763?

MINKOWSKI

Pryce and Carter 763? It's… to… to always… to -

HILBERT interrupts MINKOWSKI, returning to talking animatedly into the recording device.

HILBERT

Long-term memory has been dramatically affected. Interesting. I predict that it not long-lasting, although there is a strong possibility of memory never being regained…

The ominous MUSIC gets louder and louder, only to be cut off by:

EIFFEL

I knew it was something dangerous!

RECORDING STOPS.

* * *

**INT. U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION - COMMUNICATIONS ROOM - 0600 HOURS**

RECORDING STARTS.

EIFFEL

This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel. It's day four-hundred and eighty-six here on the Hephaestus, and less than 24 hours ago, out beloved commander forgot the whole Pryce and Carter book! Who would have thought it was possible?

The Comms Room's DOOR OPENS with a SCREECH.

MINKOWSKI

(with a long-suffering sigh)

Shut up, Eiffel.

We hear the door CLOSE.

RECORDING STOPS.

* * *

This fic was written as part of the Wolf 359 Reverse Big Bang 2018. It can be found on tumblr at _[@w359reversebang](https://w359reversebang.tumblr.com)_  or alternatively in the _[Wolf 359 Reverse Big Bang Collection](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/w359rbb)_.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos make me love you forever :)


End file.
